The Toddler and the Tough Stuff

     How do you describe to a toddler just how unfair life can be?  What words would you choose to use?  What tone of voice?  One big question I face, and I'm sure other parents/caregivers do also is, do I really want them to know right now?  Won't they learn soon enough, and when do we subject them to the wicked ways of life; that sadly not everyday is filled with sunshine and lollipops?  Should I prepare my toddlers before they start school or go over it with them the night before?  *Insert scream here* In their minds, everything is right and fair in their little worlds, and I must admit, I'm jealous of their naivety.  I am aware of children out there affected by disease and my heart aches for them and their families, to have to go through that hell but also have to come up with words and an explanation for a child that does not understand what is happening to them or more importantly, why. This can go for any "unpleasant" circumstances in life, really.  My daughter, by asking a simple question about her pop-pop (who was diagnosed with ALS in 2005), diverted me from "what will I say", to "what do I say".  I was not prepared for her statement that she made to me, and in a quick instant, I had to decide what to do about my toddler, and the tough stuff. (I will admit now that, at the end of our discussion, I was smiling and laughing and filled with the most peaceful feeling, which I haven't felt in a long time when discussing my dad's illness to anyone.)  Put a check in the "Win" column...this time. 

     As we traveled back from the store, my daughter told me out of the blue, "Mommy, I can't wait for when pop-pop is not in his wheelchair anymore."  I was actually shocked by her exclamation and slowly responded, "Oh, honey, pop-pop will always be in a wheelchair."  She asked me why and I thought very hard about how to describe his illness to a 3-year old.  She tries so hard to understand, but I know she can't grasp it, heck, sometimes I don't even grasp it.  She said, "I wish he could fly a kite with me like my other pop-pop and build snowmen and go sledding and go swimming.  Will he be able to when he's not sick anymore?"  This is when I had to take a moment to regain my composure, and also think of what to say to her.  So, instead of talking about the "right now" or the "what may happen", I decided to tell her all about how pop-pop used to be. 

     I started off by telling her that pop-pop used to lift mommy and mommy's brothers real high as we hung from his arms.  To this she said, "Mommy, pop-pop is so strong!"  I smiled and said, "Yes, honey, he is."  Then I told her how pop-pop used to go swimming with mommy and how he dove off of the high dive, barely making a splash when he entered the water.  She said, "So he put his face in the water? I can't do that."  I laughed and answered, "Yes, and he would swim under the water with his eyes open and grab mommy's legs!"  She giggled and for the first time I heard her say, "I want to learn to swim underwater."  I smiled and proceeded to tell her that pop-pop was mommy's soccer coach and how we would go down to our local park and he would practice with me so I could get better.  She of course said, "I want to play soccer like you, mommy!"  (I swelled with pride at that a little.) I told her how pop-pop used to water ski, (which she didn't understand), how we went camping, how pop-pop rode his bike all the time, and how he made mommy laugh a lot.  She was quiet for a while and I wondered if what I had said made any sense to her, when she said, "I wish pop-pop could do all that with me."  At that, my tears broke free and I quickly wiped them away, knowing that he wished he could too. And then she started talking about something totally unrelated, Strawberry Shortcake or something, and I knew her inquisition was over. 

     The thing is, toddlers do not understand the injustice or evil happening in our world, and why would they?  They are the essence of purity and goodness.  So, I decided that instead of trying to explain a situation to her that is negative, I would take her back to when things were good and pure in my eyes.  She will no doubt, no matter how hard I attempt to reflect it, experience pain and hurt and see just how cruel life can be.  But not today, or as long as I can prevent it.  Today, she will hear of happiness and goodness.  And I will be the same way with my son.  I want them to promote peace and understanding throughout their lives, and although they will see or be affected by things in this world that they shouldn't have to, I want them to take in the knowledge that they do not have to give in to the unpleasantness; but they can be aware of it, yet decide to see the positive and be the positive, whether it be looking ahead, or in some cases, glancing back.

                                                      Miss G with her Pop-pop  June 2010